There are days when my body feels too heavy to carry, and it is then that I need myself most. when heaviness is no longer a feeling but a state of being.
Today, I am heavy,
I am the weight on my shoulders, I am the words I barely blurt out, I am the lack of confidence, I am my stage fright, I am my loudness, I am my clumsiness, I am the ugly I feel on the bad days, I am the bad days, and although everything comes to end, today seems infinite.
Today, I lose the rhymes to write my poetry, I lose count of how many times I scribbled I love you in my notebooks, I lose count of how many times I longed for love, for a warm embrace to tell me what I already know “everything will be alright” I whisper to myself, but it isn’t my voice I need to hear, today it is his,
It is my friends’
It is my mother’s
Today, I need to hear anyone but myself.
I lock my tears hoping they won’t escape me again. Today I learned that my body has an exquisite self-defense mechanism. My body will declare a state of emergency and trigger an iceberg to prevent a breakdown, but every defense-plan has a downside. The downside in this story is that I break down regardless. I break down in silence.
My body locks the tears away and pushes the screams further down my throat, so far away I choke. Before I know it, I am hostage of my own body, I am hostage of my psyche, of the demons telling me I cannot, and I believe them.
I am the darkness of my shadow
I am the blue of my sorrow
Maybe, I don’t deserve the dreams I see in my sleep, and this is who I am destined to be,
Maybe greatness is not meant for me
And that is okay. I will be okay
Authour: Nourhane Atmani.